It's taken me probably, 2 weeks to work up the courage to type this up. I wanted to post this before the commission was posted, but it caused panic attacks and I just kept putting it off. Well, as much as my anxiety doesn't want me to do this, you all deserve an explanation.
I have problems. We all do. Something that makes us unique, in a good or bad way. My issue is, I'm not really used to/don't like talking about myself to people. I've spent my life getting through conversations asking questions about other people. As such, when people ask me questions about me or ask me about myself, I give short responses and then don't elaborate much.
What in the hell does this have to do with my disappearance, you ask? Well that's the other part of my problem. When I get stress, or have something bad happen to me, my impulse decision is to isolate myself. Isolate myself from the things I like, isolate myself from the friends I talk to. I isolate myself from everything. I disappear. Once that happens, I start feeling bad that I disappeared. And I get more stressed. And I hide even more.
It's a vicious cycle.
And it's hurt people I have nothing but respect for. Good friends, artists, people who cared about me, and people I cared about. If you read this and I once talked with you regularly, I am sorry. I don't expect you to forgive me disappearing, but I didn't mean to hurt you if I did.
So what stress could have caused me to leave? My life never stabilized after the rent crisis that so many of you helped me out on. I am still grateful for every one that helped. It did make a difference. After a period of time, I moved from place to place, with my meager possessions(the most expensive item I owned was my $900 car. That's gone now, sold for scrap because it broke and I didnt have money to fix it.) I finally had to bite the bullet and move back in with my parents. That gave me enough time to get some health issues taken care of, physically and mentally. It was a good respite. I even found a job working customer support over the phone that had a lot of potential for me moving up. Then a bombshell happened.
2 Months into the new job, I got a call from my sister stating that my mother, the most important person in my life, was just diagnosed with lung cancer. She already had a myriad of health problems before this, and to add the big C on top of it was just..too much. I tried taking FMLA(Family Medical Leave Act) with my job, but they said I hadn't worked there long enough. I had to quit, and become un-rehirable in the process. I went to take care of her, because I knew she was going to need it.
That was last September. She was initially diagnosed with stage 3 small cell cancer, but even after chemo and radiation, they couldn't stop it. It progressed from stage 3 to stage 4 and exploded all over her body just 2 months after her last radiation treatment. She tried to fight so hard to beat this, but Cancer.... Cancer won.
She passed away August 8th, 2 months ago.
My life is now...I spent so much time taking care of her. Im trying to start my life again, but I feel horribly rudderless. Im trying everything I possibly can to not curl up into a ball and collapse in upon myself into nothingness. Thats why this journal is so important to me, and so hard to do at the same time...
All the money I saved from my 2 month job is long gone, but I am getting a small amount of money from her estate sale(she had...a LOT of stuff. Im glad some people are getting use out of it.) But now on top of everything, complications with my estranged stepfather make it so I will have to be out of this house at the end of the month. I have spent all this month looking up rooms for rent, housing assistance, temporary shelters. I am fighting the urge to give up. I will find somewhere I can plant my feet and just....BREATHE.
I don't know what the future holds for me. But I wanted to at least own up to my past and let you people know that I'm still here. You are all a wonderful group of people, and I am sorry I hid from you all. If you actually read this whole...thing, I thank you.
If you wish to get a hold of me, the best place is Discord. It's on my FA
..I guess that's all I have to say.